Max's first tantrum, along with other ramblings

I love it when the morning sun shines in my office and highlights all of the hair I've lost on my chair.  It's quite stunning but mostly disgusting.  I just spent about 5 minutes de-hairing my chair...if it wasn't my own hair, I would contemplate looking into voodoo just out of curiosity.

Because Max's "nana" lives so close to us, sometimes I go home and drop my car off, then walk over to pick him up.  I would do this more often, but a) it's been winter and b) I am overly concerned with what people will think as they see me walking to her house with an empty stroller.  Why am I so worried about what other people think??  WHO CARES!  Let me tell you why...it's because I am that annoying person who has too many useless thoughts about what I observe, and I am under the false assumption that everyone thinks the same as me.  For instance, Max and I will take dinner to Mike some nights. Last week, as we drove to his office, I COULD NOT SHUT MY THOUGHTS OFF.  I was annoying myself so bad.  We drive by a paint supply store, and everytime I see the store sign I think...man...that font is so outdated.  Do you think they just haven't updated it for a long time?  Or maybe the store owner made the sign and doesn't know much about fonts.  And they have two separate signs, both with bad fonts. Why?  Why two different signs?  My brain starts to hurt as I ponder this and then I plead with God to quiet my thoughts.

Last night, Max had his first tantrum and I hate to say it but it was adorable!!!  I know he is worked up and frustrated but man...he is so cute.  He never enjoys getting slathered in lotion after his bath, and he definitely doesn't enjoy getting boogers removed from his nose, but he normally bounces back pretty well once we start to play again.  Last night though, he was in rare form.  He was arching his back and screaming, so I set him down to see if that would help.  His giant tears fell onto the carpet and he would slam his hands into the ground.  I would reach for him and he would just scowl at me before burying his head into the floor.  Its times like that when I realize how lots of moms end up breastfeeding much longer than they expected - its just the ultimate comfort option!

Maxer's birthday is just around the corner and I am so excited.  I have been pretty adamant about not going too crazy for his party...like, no theme (the theme is birthday!!!) and I don't really want him to get tons of presents.  Call me scrooge but I would rather have a simple, memorable experience instead of getting stressed about finding a cute theme and making sure the cake matches the color scheme and bladddy blah blah blah.  I did print some photos from my Instagram using Printsagram and daaaaamn gina was that a good move!  It links directly to your account, so you basically have to click like twice to have your photos arrive at your door (actually I sent them to work so I could view them the INSTANT they arrived)  Real pumped about them.  I'll be sure to take photos of the photos.

I have a devotional book, Jesus Calling, that ended up in my drawer at work.  Maybe my mom gave it to me?  Maybe my sister?  Either way, I kept it but, without even cracking it open, thought it was probably too legalistic for my taste.  I forgot about this book until I was scanning my IG feed and a woman I recently started following posted her devotional from March 29. It was a passage so beautiful that I scanned the comments to see if she would say what book it was from.  Sure enough, she mentioned that it was from a book called...Jesus Calling.  God!  You are funny!  Thanks for showing me that the book in my drawer is right up my alley and it sure wouldn't hurt to take it out every now and then to read a snippet.  I loved this post so much that I will now take the time to type it out:

"Stop trying to work things out before their times have come.  Accept the limitations of living one day at a time.  When something comes to your attention, ask Me whether or not it is part of today's agenda.  If it isn't, release it into My care and go on about today's duties.  When you follow this practice, there will be a beautiful simplicity about your life: a time for everything, and everything in its time.

A life lived close to Me is not complicated or cluttered.  When your focus is on My Presence, many things that once troubled you lose their power over you. Though the world around you is messy and confusing, remember that I have overcome the world.  I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have Peace.

--Ecclesiastes 3:1; John 16:33

I read that and thought, NAILED IT.  If I read that every morning, and took a deep breath, then I probably wouldn't get so worked up about the paint store sign and how to get my car battery to work properly and if I sent that email to the right person and when will Mike be able to work less. Not complicated.  Not cluttered. Peaceful.  I like those words.

Well, that about sums up my life lately.  Loving on my boys, having crazy brain, and being thankful for the reminders of God's presence.

xoxo

Good

When I was pregnant, I would dream of the day that I could hold Maxwell close to my cheek and dance with him.  Now, I force my squirmy 10 month old to snuggle up to me as we dance to a song by Dave Barnes called "Good".  Everything Dave Barnes creates is a gift from heaven, but man oh man...this song makes me cry every time.  

Years ago, as a serious relationship began to unravel, I felt panicked and so scared that I would never have a family of my own and I begged God to make this relationship work.  To give us the pieces of the puzzle that were missing so that we could make it work.  That relationship finally ended and for weeks, I used the long drive home from work to cry my lonely heart out.   

But then came Mike.  

What if God had answered my prayers?  What if I had forced a relationship that wasn't meant to be?  I think we all know Garth Brooks said in best in "Unanswered Prayers".  What if I never gave myself a chance to get to Mike?  That God, he sure knows what he's doing.

And that is what I want Maxwell to know.  That no matter what, God is in control.  That even when Maxwell thinks he knows best, that he should never let his human need for instant gratification overpower his confident hope in God's plan.  That even in his darkest hour, God is laying the groundwork for good to come again.

Now everyone do yourself a favor and listen to this song.  (This also reminds me to take more home videos.)

Meow!  Gigi's bed is so exotic!

Coffee and prayer

Well, week one of our new schedule is done. Just like everything that I overreact about, I can look back in retrospect on this week and say, it's really not that bad. I need to learn to be less dramatic.

The hardest part of our new schedule is being tired, but that's nothing new. I've come to terms with the fact that being tired is just part of being an adult. If you don't have to tape your eyelids open every afternoon around 3pm, then you aren't doing it right.

Our new nanny is a blessing. She is an older Bosnian woman, and she insists that Max call her "Nana" which I think is adorable. She is concerned about his leg strength so she is sure to tell me that she helped him walk around throughout the day. His little cooler of food comes home completely empty each night, so I'm proud of her for getting Max to eat so well! She even managed to get him to eat all of the tofu I sent. Ha! I had to laugh when I dropped him off on Wednesday morning and she said "Uhh I forget baby's name?!?" Fair enough...it's not like he can tell her himself! And after a long day at work, sometimes I am driving home and my fried brain goes--Ashley! You have a baby! His name is Max!! And I think, how did we choose the name Max?? 

Thank you everyone for your support as I blab about my so-called struggles. I promise I am only 10% motivated by the need for attention. The rest is purely to just write and capture the events so that when Max gets older I can say, thennnn when you were 9 months old, THIS happened... So thanks for reading.

I have come to realize that when I crave easier times, I am absentmindedly wishing my life away and wishing away some of our most precious moments with Maxwell. And then I realize, all I need is a lot of iced coffee and a lot of prayers for a continued positive attitude. That, my friends, is my recipe for success.

Nine month appt confirms: His head is large.

Max is his own Valentine this year!

Spring fake-out (and a quick rant)

It's that time of year again, where it's not pitch dark when I leave work each night, which puts me in a springtime frame of mind...then temperatures surge into the 50's so I ditch the coat in the morning, and I start to wear pastels thinking that will propel us into spring, and I just get butterflies in my stomach thinking of the fresh feeling that spring brings!!!!!

I know we are weeks (and a few snow storms) away from spring but gosh darnit, we are well on our way to green grass and less hibernating!

My goal for this spring is to get out and about with Max after work.  In the winter, and with him being a little babe, it has been so easy to just come home and play on the floor until bedtime.  But, with warmer weather approaching, and now that he is a bit older, I feel like we can really get out and see the world.  Luckily, my friend Mike provides the perfect opportunities for outdoor activities - kickball games!  Last fall, he had games at a park down the street from our house once a week.  I don't know why we didn't go more often, but there was a handful of glorious nights where Max and I would walk to the park and watch a few games in the final hours of daylight.  I was still such a rookie - on our first trip to watch kickball, I packed up practically his entire nursery into his stroller and then tried to nonchalantly run across a field with him, but all of the crap kept falling out of the stroller and players were like, "HOLD THE GAME, BABY ON THE FIELD" as I made a scene.  Not to mention it was super windy and I was wearing a dress so....I can only thank the good Lord that my confidence and my parenting skills have improved since then.

Also, when will I stop having dreams that Max is in our bed and going to fall out if I don't thrash around and save him?  I'm sure Mike is wondering the same thing.

Flashback to a kickball tournament
 last fall.  Who is this baby??

**Quick rant, if you don't mind: Is anyone else offended by the phrase "Welcome to the club" or am I solidifying my status as the most annoyable person alive?  I mean....how does one establish themselves as the "official welcome committee"?  It's almost as if they want you to know they were there before you, and so "welcoming" you is their way of saying, "Oh man, you just arrived?!  I've been here for a while now and it's cool.  Glad you finally caught on to this cool thing, and as I said, I've pretty much been here forever, so...welcome."

Even worse, people are welcoming others to "clubs" that have either been around forever (parenting, etc.) or are so mainstream and so hip (craft breweries, etc.) that it's impossible to determine who is qualified to offer the official Welcome. So, QUIT IT.

Is this rant legit - too legit to quit? Discuss.

Worst Life Competition

I'm offering myself a challenge this week.  Don't go for the gold in the worst life competition.

It's so easy for me to try to compete.  It's so easy to make a conversation entirely out of what is currently sucking the most.  But why?? What's the point?  What do you really win when you realize that you have the worst situation?  Nothing but a trip to Downerville.

This week, our routine is getting a shake-up.  Mike's work schedule has shifted significantly and we are starting with a new nanny.  So now, instead of getting ready in the silent darkness and then sneaking out of the house, we are getting Max up and ready and I'm dropping him off on my way to work. Mike hits the road well before the sun comes up to get to the gym and beat traffic.

It's like we're adults or something!!!

Change is scary and I hate when my routine gets a shake-up.  I feel like I have so many little things I need to remember to do to have a successful day, and any shift in my routine compromises those little things.

Last night, as I put Maxwell to bed, I counted my blessings and remembered to be 1000% thankful for every single one.  Comparison is the thief of joy and darnit, isn't that the truth!!!  This is my life.  I (try to) choose to love what I get and ignore what I don't get.  I hate to get too crazy here but I really feel like I'm making a huge discovery in "the meaning of life" and "things you can only learn as you get older".

Things I'm excited about:
--Getting to turn the bedroom light on in the morning!
--Getting to dress Maxwell in the mornings!  It may sound silly but I was sad for only getting to choose his outfits 2 days a week.
--Mike's new commute takes him right past a Chik Fila so I'm quite certain this will be a dinner treat at least once a week!!!
--Since we no longer have an in-home nanny, I'm crossing my fingers that our Excel Energy bill will go down since our TV and lights won't be on all day during the week.
--Our new nanny lives literally 3 blocks away.  (The location is almost so perfect, I feel like we're on The Truman Show.  In that case, can I start collecting royalties or what??) She is a sweet older woman and as I was dropping Max off this morning, she kept saying, "You don't worry.  I'm the grandma.  Don't worry!" And even though dropping him off this morning was probably harder than going back to work after maternity leave, I got to work with a huge surge of excitement to pick him up later this afternoon.

We tried cheese this week.  Success! (duh)

Not to be left out, I caught what the boys had.
This pretty much sums up my week.

Super Bowl fun.  For those of you who don't
know, it went downhill shortly after this.

Filed under: Adorable and Blackmail

Warming up for the big game!

Mat Kearney makes me emo

When it comes to music, Mike would tell you that I'm a teenybopper at heart, but that's only because he played Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball so much that I just HAD to download it!!!  So while I don't claim to have "good" taste in music, I know what I love and I know what songs give me chills and I know what songs make me feeeeeeel something...and isn't that what it's all about??

I love when I forget about music and then have a grand reunion with a certain album - and let the good memories of those jams just flow.  Somewhere around the time of Max being born, I misplaced my iPod. By the grace of God, I finally found it in a random drawer somewhere a few weeks ago.  I've had the greatest time getting re-acquainted with my music.  Especially Mat Kearney.  Oh yes!

So I'm jamming to him right now at work, and I can't help but remember the season of my life that I was listening to Young Love (Sooner or Later) every free moment I had.  I would listen to it as I grudgingly drove to my terribly depressing job, and I was so unsure of what the future held for me and my little family.  Would I ever get a new job?  Where would we live??  Can I survive outside of the Fort Collins bubble? WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!!!!! (I also learned an important life lesson during this season of my life...having a husband does not solve all of your problems. Had I known that a few years ago, maybe I would've had less panicked nights, fearing a forever-single life) 

SPOILER ALERT: it all worked out - and Mat Kearney was there for the ride.  Today, I sit at a job that I get to love, with co-workers that are true adults and fantastic human beings.  I can indeed survive city life, even though I miss Old Town Fort Collins terribly.  I love that certain songs can remind me of sadness that has been replaced by happiness.  I can still feel the hopelessness and fear of that season of my life, but I can smile as I know that it's been stomped out by new beginnings.

Maybe it's my Bronco brain...maybe it's my coffee buzz...maybe it's just because life is good. But darnit, today is going to be a good day!!

Also, will I ever learn how to spell "liaison" correctly??  Who invented that word anyway?  

Peace out.

Tasks

I hate household tasks. They keep me from relaxing and they haunt me until I complete them. I do always feel amazing and refreshed and euphoric after they're done but sometimes I have to have a real pep talk with myself to get them done.  I also suffer from Obsessive Chore Disorder so as I am trying to clean the floor, I see the fridge is gross, so I stop cleaning the floor and clean the fridge, and then realize I need to emtpy old food containers, then realize I need to start a load of laundry....ahhhhh!!!! By that point I think it would be easier to burn my house down than to accomplish all I'd like to accomplish.

Last night, I had a golden hour to get a bunch of stupid crap done while max was napping. I huffed and puffed while I emptied the dishwasher...folded laundry...put away Target purchases...cleaned bottles and pump parts...and I almost had a mental breakdown when I emptied the soapy water from the bottles into the sink and it all poured onto the floor. I had to have a timeout before I threw the microwave across the room or something equally psychotic.

Ashley, listen. Tasks are the devil. The worst. THE WORST! But, look at what they symbolize. You have dirty dishes because you had food to eat. You have Target bags because you have money to buy necessities (and Oreos...). You have bottles to clean because a precious baby lives in your house and is part of your family. 

We have had a wild week with Mike being down and out with the flu, an impromptu sleepover because of a snowstorm, scrambling for childcare, etc. I am tired. But my fatigue doesn't get to steal my happiness, darnit!!

So, when the next round of tasks present themselves, I will try to remember how to reframe my thinking. Tasks are proof of blessings...most of the time.