Panic is no picnic

I am a panicker.  I find it easy to work myself up and make a situation go from "La-di-da, just getting on an elevator" to "You are going to be trapped in this elevator for the rest of your life and no one will ever find you!!!!!!!"  When I was younger, I watched a movie about a little boy who got some terminal illness and INSTANTLY I panicked that my little brother would get the same illness.  I made myself so panicked I literally had to get up and walk around the house to try to calm my panic.

I used to be so scared that I would get stuck in the bathroom in the house I grew up in that I would look at the space between the door and the floor and wonder if they'd be able to slide some survival food underneath the door should I get trapped in there??

I got locked out of a hotel room once because my sister and cousin "pretended" to leave me in the hotel room - I was so scared of being left alone that I ran out after them in a panic and I forgot to grab the hotel keys.  Did I mention I was in a swimsuit so then I had to go find my parents in the dining room to get their key...not sure why but my mom was so furious about the situation!! 

I used to harbor the same panic about finding my husband.  It would keep me awake at night sometimes.  A simple thought of, "Hmm I wonder if I will meet him this year?" would turn into "You will never meet him and you will be lonely the rest of your life and you will just have to keep watching your friends get married and you better hope that your nieces take care of you when you're an old woman because you will still be single and you will die alone."  What IS that?!

The other day I saw a little boy crossing the street with his mom.  As he hopped on the curb he did some silly twirl that his mom didn't acknowledge.  I thought to myself, is she annoyed at him, that's why she didn't giggle at his twirl?  Or did she just not notice? Then I panic: When I have children, will I get so used to having them around that I start to ignore what makes them unique and interesting?  What if I only think other people's kids do cute things and what if I forget to appreciate my children? What if I don't even get to have children?!?! Panic, panic, panic.

I am having an incredibly dumb week at work...and I panic that my unhappiness is created by my own professional flaws - that its ME, not the environment.  But I have to remind myself that "not now" does not necessarily mean "never".  I know that happiness at work (or a new job) will come when I least expect it.  I know that children will come into my life when we're ready for them.  I know that whatever the weather, there is good to be found, and that good will calm the panic, when the panic surely comes =)