Today was hard.

Today was hard.

And it's just the beginning.

Mike, bless his practical heart, brought up logistics about our daily schedule with our nanny.  Like, what time will she start?  When Max is at her house, who will pick him up?  Etc.  I entertained the conversation for about 30 seconds before I just started to cry.  Six weeks ago, the reality of someone else watching my sweet boy seemed so far away.  Now, its getting closer and closer and I can't ignore it anymore.

I buried my head in a pillow on the couch and cried because I couldn't express what it is exactly that makes me the most sad.  Is it the possibility of missing some of Max's adorable "firsts"?  Is it the thought that I'll get back to work and feel like I'm so distracted that I won't be good at my job anymore, and I'll want to just give up, but I can't?  Is it the reality that I feel like I'm going to have to skip back into work with a fake smile and pretend like I'm not dying inside that someone else is spending the day with my little man?  But of all those things, I think it's that my middle child brain expects life to be fair, and because of that, I get so sad/mad that I can't think of one person in my life that is experiencing what I'm experiencing.  I can't think of one mommy-friend who is faced with (or who has conquered) going back to work full time after maternity leave.  And that makes me pissed.

After my couch cry-fest, I took Max to the nursery to change him, and I stood there and stared at him for a minute, just being a cute little stinker on the changing table.  As I started to cry again, he released one of his standard woodpecker farts that lasted for at least 10 seconds, and then smiled this freaking adorable smile, and I couldn't do anything but lay my head next to him and sob.  THIS is what I'm going to miss out on.  His silly little quirks that make him our son.

Perhaps I'm being too dramatic, and hopefully in 6 months I'll look back and think, phewww!  That really wasn't that hard!!  But, I think the scariest part is realizing that once I conquer this separation, a new one will come along.  There will come a day when he heads off to school, and my heart will break all over again.  Then, he'll (hopefully) go to college and Mike will probably have to sedate me so that I will leave Max in his dorm room.  Thennnnn, what if he graduates and wants to live in Hong Kong and  I only see him for Christmas every other year?  So this situation that I'm currently faced with is only the beginning.  And when I realize that, I freak out...what have I gotten my heart into??