Pay-it-forward backfire and birth experience expectations (subtitle: I'm annoying)

We pay Max's babysitter in cold hard cash, and so whenever I need to break a $20 to give her correct change, I hit up Starbucks.  Today, I needed change, so I headed to my trusty drive-thru. When I got up to the window, the barista told me that the car in front of me had paid for mine. "Awwww," I told her, "that's never happened to me before!" Then I realized I still needed to break my $20.  Ashley-panic set in: Do I just ask her to break it? Do I pay for the car behind me? What if they ordered a crap ton of junk? I needed to break my $20 with something for less than $5, otherwise my whole system was ruined and I'd have to get more cash out (which by the way, I lost my debit card, so I'd have to actually waddle in to a bank and have a conversation with a human). I didn't have much time to debate this. I went ahead and forced myself to "pay-it-forward" and felt a wave of relief as she told me that their total was $5.29. I fished $.29 out of my wallet and then felt like crying as I drove away, for the following reasons:

1. I shouldn't have to force myself to pay it forward, I should just want to pay it forward
2. I am dramatic and this annoys me
3. I am losing my ability to cope with daily activities and this annoys me

I know I only have two weeks left of walking around like a python that just ate. I know there are much bigger problems in the world than my physical discomfort and my lack of coping skills. But I am consumed by thoughts of inadequacy and annoyance, and I just want to get to the part where I am holding a sweet newborn and they're presenting me with my certificate of honor for most dignified birth experience of 2015.

To add to my crockpot of emotions, I also am back-peddling on this baby's name - I don't know if I will ever be able to say his name showing possession and not question myself (did I say that right??) "That's Miles's".  Errrrmmm?!?!  Just as I was driving today, before the pay-it-forward incident, I pretended to officially decide that his name is actually Mayer.  But who am I kidding, I am not in any kind of position to be making lifetime decisions at this point. Does anyone have any insight? I really am all ears.

In addition, my midwife called to tell me I am GBS+, which I know, I knowwwwww, is not a huge deal, but will require 4 hours of antibiotics before he's born to be fully effective, otherwise he'll have to be monitored for 48 hours after. According to my birth fantasy, I will not be at the hospital for 4 hours before he's born, so that does not work for me!!  (I actually plan to be in the parking lot of the Pepsi Center, having just left a life-changing Garth Brooks concert. Perhaps I can start carrying a few vials of penicillin around in my purse just in case?) I think this gives me the most sadness because when Max was born, he wasn't instantly placed on my chest in a bloody mess.  They had to take him away and check him out, so it was really like 30 minutes before we actually got a good look at him. I want this next experience to be dreamy and magical and make up for all that. I worry that this GBS+ situation will add a new complication and my dream of my sports bra being ruined from snuggling a messy baby won't get to come true.

I have read of women who mourn their birth experience, and I'm totally setting myself up for that to happen again.  But come on, I am with my brain all day. How do I not let it wander into the what-ifs and the fantasylands??

The last month of pregnancy, women should be allowed to sit at home in seclusion to watch Netflix and wash baby clothes. Who's with me!?

Lately, Mike and I call him "Kip" from Napoleon Dynamite..."Yes, I love technology...not as much as you, you see...but still I love technology..."