Feeling capable

I am feeling capable today. My house is a mess, both of my boys are fighting colds, but I'm feeling so relaxed. 

Maybe it's realizing that you don't have to be a pioneer woman to make chicken noodle soup from scratch. That shiz is incredibly simple to make!!

Maybe it's realizing that if I continue to emphasize cooking with real, fresh ingredients, it's starts to become an easy habit more than a "diet".

Maybe it's realizing that I don't have to be a child psychologist to be a good mom. That by absorbing good habits and relying on my instincts, maxwell really will grow up to be a fine gentleman, and I might have a teeny part in that.

Sorry for the brag post, but for all the times I feel defeated and childish and worthless, I have to soak in this moment of knowing that I can do hard things.

Now, back to my 24 marathon.

Dodgeball and passport rejections

Last night, Max and I went with Mike to dodgeball.  Usually he is just managing the scene and the refs, but last night he was actually going to play, so Max and I just had to witness this.  Turns out, there was about 3 inches of space where we could sit in the gym, and those dodgeballs get flung at about 65 MPH.  The sound of the dodgeballs smacking into the wall and into human skin is terrifying.  All I could picture was a wild ball smacking Max in the face and then me getting branded "Worst Mom of 2014".  I had already forgotten to bring his winter coat along, so I really couldn't risk it.

We started wandering the halls of the middle school and ran into a woman who was working late.  She was so sweet and showed us an open classroom that had carpet and toys that we could play with.  I am reaching the point in my motherhood experience where I realize that germs are germs and germs are everywhere and maybe even a few germs are good?  So we plopped down on the carpet and played our little hearts out!  He acted like he owned the place, eating pictures of the actual students that were taped to the carpet (??) and flipping through their books (some were in Spanish...he didn't say it, but I think Max was really impressed by my ability to interpret).  We bounced a ball around and took a few selfies.  Just to be clear, I think solo selfies are ridiculous and should be outlawed.  Selfies with one or more peeps are fine.
**Mike played so hard that he burned a hole in his pants while sliding for a ball.  I love it!!!

I'm getting a blowout after work today.  I can't wait.  But really I can't wait for the hairdresser to try to get a brush through my hair because I haven't washed it since Sunday night.  I'm not sure when I'll stop bragging about how long it's been since I cleaned my hairs....check back in a few years.

We are in the process of getting Maxwell a passport, and last week we received notification that the photos we submitted for him had been DENIED, because his eyes had a pindrop amount of red (exhibit A) This tells me that whoever was processing his application got a call from her boyfriend in the middle of it, got into a silly fight about emptying the dishwasher or something, then returned to processing the application with a chip on her shoulder, so she denied an 8 month old a passport.  This is all purely speculation, but come on....ridiculous. Meanwhile, my sister's girls' passports were all issued, no problem, even though their photos made them look like blonde Icelandic children, when in reality they are all brown haired olive skin babes.  In the words of Gob Bluth, COME ON!!!!!

I just started watching 24 on Netflix.  Coming off of a Parks and Rec marathon, this has been quite a switch for me.  I get so scared watching it my legs get tingly.  This leads to me being scared at all times.  On the days that I leave for work early in the morning and it's still dark outside, I imagine what I would do if someone tried to accost me in my garage while getting into my car.  As I walk into my building and up the stairs to my office, I have my keys in my hand ready to stab any attackers.  Even now, picturing myself in any of the scenes from Season 1, I get tingly legs.  Let me pause to say a quick prayer that I continue to lead a boring, non-confrontational life where I don't have to steal a gun during a sexual assault and then hide a body in a barn.

Well, that about sums up my week.  I have Bronco Fever pretty bad, along with the rest of the state.  Can't wait for next weekend!!!!

Exhibit A: You be the judge: happy baby who
 wants to play in the sand in Mexico,
or potential threat to homeland security?

HE

**A year ago this week, we found out that Max was Max (and not Hannah Banana).  He was a he.  It has been so fun to reminisce about the excitement of that news, while hanging out with our little dude.  I knew I had written about the ultrasound but just realized I never published it.  So here is a little blast from the past!!**

December 18, 2012
In just a few seconds, you went from "it" to "he".

It had been a hectic morning...I left work to come home and pick up your dad, who was trying to pull off a million things at once, like usual! (shirt in the dryer for a last-minute meeting...loading the car with random goods to move to our new house later that day...) The poker chip case got knocked over and spilled all over the kitchen, so putting the chips back in order kept me from nagging at him like, "MIKE, lets GO!!" He kept racing around the house and I was on the floor collecting chips while watching the clock.

We sped down the road, knowing that our appointment would be cancelled if we were 15 minutes late, and we would have to wait even LONGER to find out if you were a he, or a she?! Not an option!! As we were driving, your dad looked at me and said, "Its a girl, you know. That's why I made more pink pretzel sticks than blue pretzel sticks." I laughed and said, "Well you know what you just did, you just made him a boy!"

Once inside the ultrasound room, the fun began right away. Images of you moving and bouncing displayed on a large screen, and because our tech knew we wanted to know your gender, it only took her about 5 seconds to exclaim, "This is a little boy!" I was expecting it to be revealed later, after we settled in and checked out other things first. I was so shocked, SO shocked!!! All I could do was laugh and look at your dad.

Instantly, you went from "it" to "he" and it was so natural! "Is that his arm?? Look at his spine!" All of the sudden, you became that much more real to us. All I could think was how excited the men in our families would be. Finally, a BOY! Our tech had a hard time getting certain measurements because you were so wiggly and active, but she did say you had very long arms.  Like a monkey. Seeing you so alive and well and hearing your strong heartbeat made my heart flood with love for you. I couldn't wait to snuggle you and hold your little hand.

When I was younger, I always thought I would want my first born to be a boy. Then, as Brittany started to have her little girls, my mind switched and I thought, I wouldn't even know what to do with a little boy!! But now you are here, you are decided, and I know that we were meant to be your parents. We are so lucky to have you, our little monkey boy!

This picture makes me want to have 45 children.

Dudes napping.

Oh, THIS head??

Well, that sucked

Today, Maxwell started crawling.

And I was at work.

<insert crying cat emoji>

Mike called me to tell me the news, and then offered to FaceTime.  (Thanks, Steve Jobs.)  While he was re-calling me to set up FaceTime, I had to pep talk myself: Don't cry...don't cry...don't cry...

Some people were off serving our country when their baby started crawling!!!
Some people were off fetching clean water for survival when their baby started crawling!!!

But why should I use other peoples' situations to make myself feel better?  That shouldn't make me feel better.

Adult Ashley says - Hey! Snap out of it!  Are you going to spend your entire life being sad or are you going to get over it and just live?

I'm not sure.

Yes to...cyber feuds?!

I think I need to have my internet privileges revoked. 

Lately, I have been ultra annoyed at people who are so willing to troll the internet and leave nasty comments here and there.  No matter what the topic, there is always some basement dweller (I assume) who has nothing better to do than snarl at someone’s attempt to put good into the world.  These trolls are not able to see any good.  They can only find bad and highlight the crap out of it.

So, today, I found myself emerging from the shadows of “anonymous reader” and becoming a “commenter”.  I set out to defend the honor of Yes to Carrots, an amazing beauty product company who was graciously offering $2 products for Cyber Monday.  Their website couldn’t handle all the traffic and no one was able to place an order.  Well shoot, you would have thought Yes to Carrots had sent out a bulletin announcing that they were going to eat your dog for dinner unless you were able to access their website.  Ridiculous comments ensued with pathetic sob stories of how much this was ruining their day.  It was all so absurd!!

I had had enough.  I posted a carefully constructed comment in which I was cautious to not be nitpicky or rude, but to just say, Hey guys we are pretty lucky that online shopping issues are our #1 problem today, let’s give them a break, fa la la la la, la la, la la.  My comment was pretty well received, except for one homegirl who commented back about how annoyed she was about the situation, and how website issues are completely avoidable. 

Then, I joined the troll club.  I shot back at the “annoyed” woman that it was ridiculous to be annoyed by this situation and I hoped she held herself to the same unrealistic standards in her line of work.  My effort to be so P.C. in my first post had gone out the window and now I was involved in a cyber feud.  I clicked POST and I was shaking. 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

I realize now that I must pause to re-evaluate.  How can I use the internet like a mature adult to conduct the business that I need to conduct, read the news I need to read, find the entertainment content I need to give my brain a rest, all while avoiding the CRAP!?

I need to set some limits.  I need to stop reading comments, in search of trolls to be annoyed at.  There is crap out there to be found, and I need to stop trying to find it.  Because my measly attempts to play cyber defense will never be enough to stop the trolls. 

PS: I also learned that my Facebook settings are set in such a way that my internet feud was being published in many friends' news feeds.  Do you ever get a text that makes your face hot as you read it?  Yeah that was me today. "Hey what is going on with you and this Yes to Carrots deal?"  Errrrr.......  Quick!  Someone transport me to the Land Before Internet!

PPS: I got my Yes to Carrots products for $2 each.  What a steal!

Early morning realizations

Maxer knows when it's the weekend and we don't have any morning plans because that's when he wakes up multiple times in the night. Usually I wake up to his cries so panicked, so once I sleep-run into his room and realize he isn't being kidnapped or attacked by a pack of dingos, I am more relieved than annoyed at being up. This works out pretty well.

I had a basic realization of a new option tonight. I used to think it was either nurse until he sleeps or lay him down crying. Turns out there is an in-between step: rocking! What a sweet sweet option. I guess he just hasn't allowed it until now, but he didn't want to nurse anymore so he let me rock him to sleep. Simply precious.

So obviously this leads to an emo moment. When do babies stop being so innocent and precious that it hurts? When do you stop being in awe of their existence? I am fresh off watching a video of newborn twins clinging to each other as though they are still in the womb and it was seriously so innocently precious that it hurt my heart. This makes me wonder about when that hurt stops? When do we forget that innocence? Tonight I am hopeful that maybe it never stops?!

I used to see couples out to dinner sitting in complete silence and I would think, oh man that is gonna suck when I run out of things to say to my husband. Later I realized, that doesn't have to happen...it's more based on personality than just something that inevitably happens.

I am encouraged that maybe I will never stop being in awe of max and his existence, or at least it's not inevitable. Sure, there will be days when he is farting all over the house and bringing lizards into the kitchen and talking back to me, but I hope that doesn't make me forget how precious his life is. And even though he barfed all over me last night, he is still my miracle and my joy. 

That kid! He always gets me!!!

Holiday red

Last night, I painted my nails for the first time since our new roommate Maxwell arrived.  This is a big milestone, you see, as I used to paint my nails every week.  In middle school, I painted them EVERY NIGHT to match tomorrow's outfit.  I remember one night I planned to paint my nails an obnoxious orange, then use a toothpick to paint multi-colored flowers on each nail....but as I was trying to get the bottle open in the kitchen, I dropped it and it shattered all over the wood floor, leaving a hideous stain.  After I realized the stain was permanent, I remember running up to my room and dropping to my knees in terror, feeling like I had just committed murder.  I went to bed with a knot in my stomach the size of Alaska.  I wish I was being dramatic about my emotions, but this is real.  I don't know why.

Anyway, back to last night.  Earlier in the night when searching for a moisturizer, I had come across a "holiday red" nail polish that my grandma had given me, and knowing that I would be decorating a Christmas tree this weekend (yes!!!) I just knew I had to polish 'em up.  After Max was a'snoozin, all cute and snuggly in his fleecy jams, I took all the necessary steps to have a successful paint job.  Brushed my teeth...lotioned my feet...took my hair out of my hair tie...pulled sheets back so I could slip into bed...blew my nose (very important)...peed...then finally, all that was left to do was paint my nails and slip into bed.

When I first saw the color on my nails, I thought to myself...I look like Cruella DeVille!!!!  What am I doing? I can't wear this!  Mike is going to hate this!!!

See what happens when you take a 8 month hiatus from one of your most treasured hobbies?

After slopping on a top coat, I tried my best to crawl into bed and fall asleep with my hands folded neatly above the covers.  I woke up numerous times during the night to feel my nails for "bubbles".  Friends, I am pleased to announce I woke up this morning with no bubbles.

And now, I get to sip on my coffee and type at my desk while flashing my holiday red nails.  And the very best part is that this afternoon, Mike and I will decorate our Christmas tree with my holiday red nails.

In other news, I am a freak.  Let me explain.  Two nights ago I had a dream involving 2 on-air personalities from our media partner station.  I casually interact with these 2 gals every once in a while, but by no means does that qualify me to dream about them.  In the dream, we were in an old house and one was telling me about the tank tops she likes best and the other was trying to wear a swimsuit to deliver the news.  Anywayyyyy, then I woke up.  Went to work, and attended a workshop at said media partner station.  And just what 2 on-air personalities stopped by this workshop to give a quick presentation?  The same 2 I had just dreamt about.  I mean...what am I, a psychic??

Well, off to work - my last day of work before a week of vacation!  Woo woo!  I am most looking forward to getting Max out of his crib every morning.  Eeeeeee I am so happy!

The only way to get Charlee to sit still is to "swaddle" her.  Love these two kiddos!!

Holiday red and lime green.  My fave!

Max's impromptu nap on the bathroom floor. Zzzzzzz...