I made it to hump day

I really surprised myself with how composed I was on Monday.  I popped right out of bed with my alarm, went through my routine as planned, even had time to read a quick devotional (which just so happened to be about women throwing pity parties because their husbands work so much, but they were reminded to be grateful that they were able to stay home with their children....uh okay, I GET IT! EVERYONE gets to stay home with their kids but ME, #thankyouforthereminder).  Luckily I didn't let that coincidence make me too annoyed.  Max and Mike were all cuddled up, so I was able to whisper a quick goodbye and leave the house with no tears!  I guess I expected a congratulatory marching band and parade to meet me in the street after such an accomplishment.

Work was just as I left it.  Our sweet office manager had taken great care of my plant, I had a few loose notes on my desk, but other than that, it was like I had never left.  My co-workers are incredible and they all are very interested in Max and my new role, which is so great.  The gals even let me lock them out of the 1st floor bathroom every 3 hours for 20 minutes so I can pump.  Which, by the way, is going to get old real quick.  I am like a pack-horse with all the crap I have to haul in/haul out every day, I might as well get a roll-y backpack.  I just know that there will be days when I am busy and stressed and flustered and this whole little routine that I'm a part of will be the death of me.

I got home on Monday night and I wanted Max to leap out of the nanny's arms into mine and be like, Oh mama I am SO GLAD you're home!!! Instead, I fed him and he slept on me for like 3 hours.  I didn't want to end the snuggles even though I was so hungry and knew that those stupid pump parts wouldn't wash themselves...and tomorrow's lunch wouldn't make itself...(pity party, table for 1 please!) I let him sleep on me for so long that when it was bedtime for the adults, he was ready to party.  Which led to me being up until 3 with him, and then getting up at 5:30....well lets just say I was a cranky biatch most of Tuesday. Which ultimately led to Emotional Breakdown 2013 within 5 minutes of getting home last night.  I just hate this.  I hate it, I hate it.  I don't want the only time I see my son is at night and on weekends, when I'm trying to balance life chores with bonding with my little guy.  Maybe that's just life.  BUT WHY.  Why do we put so much emphasis on the other "stuff" that we're expected to be okay with not giving our full attention to our children?  Who decided this and who signed off on this?

So, while I fight bad attitudes about our society, I'll continue to brainstorm ways to earn a living while still being able to spend more time with Maxer.  Taking all suggestions.

PS: Let is be known that I do have things to be thankful for:
•Starbucks drive-thru (and a sissy who gives me a gift card at just the right time)
•Being able to download songs on my phone for instant gratification on my drive to work (what is it about Maroon 5 that I just LOVE SO MUCH!!!)
•A cousin who finds awesome sales on work clothes and buys me whatever she buys for herself (she is also dealing with back-to-work blues so sometimes my pity party is a table for 2)
•A husband who knows that part of my sadness can be fixed by dinner and a nap (Taco Tuesday what what!!)
•Hair that will allow me to go 4 days without washing it
•A body that can feed a child

Extra, extra, read all about it!!!

Life goes on

July 22 is here.  I have spent the last couple of weeks dreading it, and here we are...on the last night of my maternity leave.  Saying I am sad is an understatement.

But.

Mike just sent me out to go get us ice cream after he served up a dinner of halibut, asparagus, corn with lobster, etc (exhibit a) This guy can cook!!! Anyway, I hit the road and since I didn't have the babe with me, i cranked some tunes. I haven't car jammed for quite some time! I turned on Cruise by Florida Georgia Line/Nelly and that carefree song combined with the hot summer night air finally gave me a new perspective. Finally.

Yes, my maternity leave is over. But look at what chapter is ending...the chapter of uncertain life that comes with a newborn. My body has done one of the coolest things it will ever do, and endured one of the most painful things I will ever experience. i have healed from the physical and emotional duress that by body went through. I am no longer scared to venture out to target or to the grocery store with Max. We even took him to our hotel bar this week to have a couple margaritas! I know Max, and Max knows me. 

Tomorrow starts life as a family of three. Not a frazzled couple with a newborn. We start our routine, and Max starts meeting new people so that he can gain skills to someday live independently from us. (But then again if he never moves out, oh well!!!)

Just like with the end of my pregnancy, Mike hasn't given my back-to-work pity party much attention. He remains Positive Pete and tells me how Max will be proud to have a mom that works. And it's annoyed the crap out of me, until now, as I realize he was just waiting for me to catch up with him and join in celebrating life. We have so much to be thankful for.  Please, God, let this attitude of celebration continue. We can celebrate life tomorrow, and the day after that, because taking on challenges and conquering milestones along the way, now that is living! 

So while its super annoying to have to pack my lunch every night, and dress like a professional human again, I'm returning to a job that I enjoy, in a company I'm proud to work for. And I will start knowing what day it is again! Maternity leave can't last forever, and maybe that's okay. 

Ask me again tomorrow as I'm driving away.

Exhibit A

Toots McGee

Ever since max entered our lives, he has impressed us with his "tooting" skills. At first I thought all babies had this power. After hearing from multiple sources how impressive it was, I am proud to say that he is unique in this fashion.

Right now he sleeping by me on the couch and starting to wake himself up...with a steady stream of toots. It is just cracking me up!!  He is clearly very content and relaxed. 

i figured i had a few more minutes before he wakes up fo real, so i read a blog post about a little girl learning to whistle which made me laugh, because my sweet niece Addy is also becoming quite the whistler. I let out a little LOL, and then my heart exploded when max matched my LOL with a little dream laugh. Followed promptly by more toots. 

I hope I am always this charmed by his farts. I have a feeling I won't be :)

How to grocery shop frugally

Max and I went on our first grocery store trip this week. i thought it would be a super breeze, I would just plop him on the cart like I had seen so many other moms do, and he would hang out while I perused the aisles and accomplished my list. 

Not so much! Apparently sprouts frowns upon having carts that accommodate carseats, and it clearly said, hey don't put your carseat up here like you can with all other carts, suckah!!

So I put his carseat in the main basket part, you know, where you put all your groceries. So with baby in the main basket, where do the goods go?  See exhibit A.

So, I had to stack Maxwell. I tried to avoid piling things on him but towards the end he did have a ginger root and some almonds on his legs. On the plus side, I stayed well within my list, and even said no to a few non-necessities. 

Something about sprouts makes me feel like everything in there is good for you. Chocolate covered peanuts at king soopers? No way! Chocolate covered peanuts at sprouts? Super healthy, I'm sure!!

Exhibit A

Dream report

Last night I dreamt that a random group of people and I were all at a hotel dance, and would be going to a special group lunch afterwards. The hotel dance was super cool. Mike wasn't there, but I danced with a college friend who was such a good dancer he could twirl me in circles, high in the air, without me ever touching the ground. Amazing!

After the dance, it was a bit hectic trying to get everyone to load the bus to head to our group lunch. We arrived to a Mexican food restaurant that was a bit sketchy. We went in through the back entrance and were given a private room to ourselves, even though there was a line of people outside just waiting to get in.

After lunch we went in the backyard of the restaurant, which was a huge lot of sprawling grass. Plenty of room to play games. We were playing one game, but it ended in tragedy. The two participants somehow got stuck on the nearby train tracks and were killed. You would think with such a morbid twist to this dream I would have woken up at this point. Nope. Our only thought was, we probably should switch to a new game...how about kickball!!

Then I finally met up with mike, who didn't look like mike, he was actually a short Hispanic dude. But I knew it was him because he had a camera around his neck like mike does at work sometimes :)

I also had a mini dream where I was wearing a Wyoming Cowboys shirt, and someone passed me on the sidewalk and yelled, Go pokes! 

Pretty insignificant, right? Until max and I were out for a walk today and I saw a neighbors car had a UW sticker on the back. This made me remember that mini dream. 

Does that ever happen to you? Seeing something silly reminds you of a dream you had...almost like your dream knew what your day was going to be like so it catered that nights dreams to it. I'll need to spend some more time on this fascinating wonder. Let me gather some more research. Look for more posts regarding this important topic.

Welp, off to the pool again with my boys! This time, Max will get to "swim" with his sweet Sater cuzzos. Happy weekend!

I'm still a 12 year old

Remember when you were a tween and there was a sleeping baby around and all you wanted to do was wake the baby up so you could play? And the baby's mom always threatened your life if you woke the baby up?

Now that I have my own baby, I find myself still playing the role of the tween and not the threatening mom. Twice this week, I have woken up Mr Max from a marathon sleep. For a few reasons...to make sure he was still alive, and because my boobs might explode if he didn't wake up and eat, and also because I just like to snuggle him!

I had my 6 week appt today and its amazing how I feel today vs how I felt 4 weeks ago. I was in so much pain and was still a bit freaked out by the whole delivery/here is your baby/he is yours forever situation. It's amazing the clarity that time provides. Hoping for this same feeling of relief and confidence after a few weeks back at work. Stay tuned.

Today was hard.

Today was hard.

And it's just the beginning.

Mike, bless his practical heart, brought up logistics about our daily schedule with our nanny.  Like, what time will she start?  When Max is at her house, who will pick him up?  Etc.  I entertained the conversation for about 30 seconds before I just started to cry.  Six weeks ago, the reality of someone else watching my sweet boy seemed so far away.  Now, its getting closer and closer and I can't ignore it anymore.

I buried my head in a pillow on the couch and cried because I couldn't express what it is exactly that makes me the most sad.  Is it the possibility of missing some of Max's adorable "firsts"?  Is it the thought that I'll get back to work and feel like I'm so distracted that I won't be good at my job anymore, and I'll want to just give up, but I can't?  Is it the reality that I feel like I'm going to have to skip back into work with a fake smile and pretend like I'm not dying inside that someone else is spending the day with my little man?  But of all those things, I think it's that my middle child brain expects life to be fair, and because of that, I get so sad/mad that I can't think of one person in my life that is experiencing what I'm experiencing.  I can't think of one mommy-friend who is faced with (or who has conquered) going back to work full time after maternity leave.  And that makes me pissed.

After my couch cry-fest, I took Max to the nursery to change him, and I stood there and stared at him for a minute, just being a cute little stinker on the changing table.  As I started to cry again, he released one of his standard woodpecker farts that lasted for at least 10 seconds, and then smiled this freaking adorable smile, and I couldn't do anything but lay my head next to him and sob.  THIS is what I'm going to miss out on.  His silly little quirks that make him our son.

Perhaps I'm being too dramatic, and hopefully in 6 months I'll look back and think, phewww!  That really wasn't that hard!!  But, I think the scariest part is realizing that once I conquer this separation, a new one will come along.  There will come a day when he heads off to school, and my heart will break all over again.  Then, he'll (hopefully) go to college and Mike will probably have to sedate me so that I will leave Max in his dorm room.  Thennnnn, what if he graduates and wants to live in Hong Kong and  I only see him for Christmas every other year?  So this situation that I'm currently faced with is only the beginning.  And when I realize that, I freak out...what have I gotten my heart into??